How much can one person doubt themself?

This has been my week that I needed, I don't know, sometimes a shoulder to cry on, sometimes a kick in the head, and sometimes an extra pair of hands.

I received an email from a woman who saw me post on a yahoo group for parents adopting older children from China. The majority of the posts are direct reflections of our life, adjustment periods, problems in school, siblings, how many thousand band aids these kids use, etc. But this woman was one who had been active in helping some of the orphanages in the early 90's, when Westerners were first allowed to visit. She told me she was shocked that they had decided to allow Hong Wan Yun, soon to be Anabel, to be adopted. She thought she had been placed with the foster family for life. She also mentioned her medical problems as a big issues in not allowing her to be adopted.

Then I began to doubt my ability to make a good decision.

This led me to a lot of other people's blogs. There I found blog after blog, where prayers were answered and financial help was provided.

Then I began to doubt my faith.

Then I began to read everything I could on the medical problems listed.

Then I began to doubt everything.

Then I had to get very quiet one night and as I lay on my 1/8 of my bed ( 5/8 taken up by Darcey, 2/8 by Gillian) I could hear more clearly the reason I started this process.

When I adopted Grace I had never mothered anyone, I had only been the teacher or the aunt. She too had medical problems listed. We have worked through almost all of those with no huge problems. She is as fit as the next person.

I did not have all the money last time. I wasn't even sure where it would come from. I just knew I needed to get to China to adopt this child and that I needed Jana and her daughters to go with me. I was going to put it on my credit card and pay it out. Whatever it took.

Then I received such a wonderful gift that wasn't required.

I also did not go into adoption with the expectations of a bio mom. This was a child who had LOTS of life experiences before becoming my daughter. She would bring those with her, good and bad. We have had our rough spots, but there has never even been the slightest hint of doubt in my mind that I did the right thing.

I know this one will be harder. How can it not be? A 10 year old is much different than a 6 year old. And Anabel has had a lot MORE life experiences. For Grace they have made her who she is, someone I am very proud of. The love of our family, the faith of our church, her devotion to God have all made her into a "favorite" for many people. Maybe that's not the way it will be with Anabel. Maybe I will end up with the social outcast, the multi-pierced, multi tattooed rebel child.

What I know for sure is that I don't know the future. I don't know where I will get the money to get to China and all the expenses there. I will put it on my credit card and pay it out. Maybe I've bought my last new pair of shoes for a while. I don't know.

All I know is that Grace needs a sister. This child needs a family. She has been let down so many times, I hope she will want to be part of ours. I know that love can cure a lot, but fair discipline, boundaries, hope, and promise also are needed.

i know God will provide for us. Grace has asked how I know I won't die like Jana did. I don't, but I think He would have taken me long before now. He had lots of opportunities.

I will continue to ask for your prayers. You praying on our behalf will provide all of us with the shelter of God's love. And forgiveness!