What makes a memory?

After our regular Sunday morning service we joined our Spanish speaking sister congregation for a celebration of 7 years in our old church building. The first time we returned to our old church, the memories were overwhelming. You could visualize all the people who were now gone, you saw new people in someone's pew, where they had probably sat for 50+ years, religiously, whether rain or shine. You remembered weddings, funerals, Vacation Bible Schools, baptisms, our family growing up, expanding, new family members. A lot of life happened in that building. I guess that is why Mom has never wanted to sell their house. They have lived there for 50+ years.

But time doesn't stand still and things have to change.

This time returning to our old church, I felt happiness for those who have made it their church home, for them to have memories of weddings, funerals, baptisms, new children, the circle of life continues with or without us.

The last two weeks have been a roller coaster of emotions, at times a complete nose dive.

I think for the first time that Gillian and Darcey and even me have begun to mourn Jana's passing. Even typing that still brings tears.

I have felt indignant that God let her die. I shared that with Mom, the quiet sage in our family. She said He did not take her until she was gone. That her heart gave out, but God was there to take her home.

My sister Jana, that I keep referring to who made the trip with me to China to adopt Grace, died very suddenly on 11/11/2006. Most Saturdays she worked and if she was off, she took the girls to Round Rock so they could maintain a relationship with their father. This was a rare Saturday for them to be home.

I believe she must have talked to each family member for various reasons that morning. We talked about how excited she was to finally get into substitute teaching at our daughters' school. The orientation was scheduled for Monday.

She went down the hall to see if the girls were ready to go to McDonalds and collapsed before reaching the door. We don't know if she had any warning. There was no evidence that she did anything but stop right there.

Her daughters thought she had fallen and hit her head. They ran outside for Dad. He came in and two men working on his chimney followed. When he saw she was non responsive he called 911. They told him to do nothing, he could cause further injury from the fall. Somewhere in there he called us and said come quick, Jana has fallen and hurt herself. When we got here the paramedics were here. I came running in and Dad met me and said I think she is gone. What??? From a fall? No way.

You see on TV how someone pushes past the cops and paramedics, I see myself doing the same, running to her and there being no life left in her. Why? What happened? How can this be? Try everything, why are you just standing there? Trying to get the paramedics to do what they do best. They revive older people, why can't they her? And all they can do is shake their head, glance down, or offer a hug.

The girls have been sent next door in the confusion. I tell them their mother has died. Gillian screams, Darcey starts crying, Grace is in shock. I don't even know what to do. How do you comfort such young children that the person who loved them most in this world is suddenly gone? Gillian feels guilty, if she had brushed her teeth when her mother said, she wouldn't have fallen. Darcey, who has had so many mothers, loses another. Does she feel responsible? Then Grace tells me it is exactly how she felt when she lost her Chinese foster mother. What? I am so shocked by that statement it takes a long time to comprehend what she has told me.

The rest is a blur.

Jana and I had a relationship that at times could get really difficult. She had been the youngest and still remembered being picked on, left out, making friends on her own. Lisa and I were so close in age, as soon as Lisa did something, I always followed her. Mark, well he was a boy. He didn't get it!

Lisa and Mark both got married the same year. I was still trying to recover from brain surgery and all the complications that continued to come up. Jana and I found a more equal place then. We shared an apartment for only 6 months in Duncanville, trying to make it closer for her to go to UTA and me to teach in Round Rock. We took a lot of trips together. When she married Chip, I moved out of my apartment so she could rent it and I moved to Denton to go to school. I went to see them in Yuma several times. Chip would call when he was so worried about Jana and the effects of the fertility treatments.

We had argued, one of the worst, earlier in the year. She was very opposed to me adopting again. She continued to tell me that I did not understand how much harder 2 would be. At the same time she told me that she and Chip planned to reunite. She had served him divorce papers, but out of respect mailed them to him, rather than a process server delivering them. He never got around to signing them. Now he wanted to try again and she was willing.

The fight interfered with our family trip to Port Aransas, we could barely speak to each other, one as hard headed as the other. But somewhere in the next few months we got past it. Even though we both had very strong opinions, we decided to respect the other for what they thought was best in their life.

I'm so glad we did.